Sunday, June 26, 2011

Tonight I opened up a part of my heart and let its contents fall onto the keys.
I hope it is something.

Dear B.

You said
'I don't believe in love anymore, or religion.
I don't believe in people.
I've lost faith in the human race.'

I'm not sure I believe in religion anymore,
and it's easy to lose faith in the human race.
But don't give up on love.
I'm not going to tell you anything cliched
like how 'there's someone for everyone'
or anything like that.
But if you stop caring so much,
then sometimes good things will find you.
I don't know how,
or if it will work
but please don't give up.
So many people love you and care
about you, can't you see?

You say you're not happy, 
but it's easy to be fooled
into thinking that you are,
because you're so good at acting.
But now that I know
it won't be easy to forget.

Love, Me.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I’m waiting for something, anything to change me from who I am into who I should be.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


(Of course it wouldn't be this big though, I'm thinking of something much, much smaller, somewhere where I can see it and appreciate it) Photo

I think about getting something tattooed on my skin sometimes. It would have to be something important, or meaningful, or just something that I wouldn't mind making a part of me forever.

{I like the word forever. I think that to have the name 'ever' would be just the loveliest thing. As if when people said 'forever' what they really meant 'for you'}

Maybe a feather, a leaf, a bird or some words, maybe a phrase?
Or maybe an eye, or two eyes.

Eyes fascinate me, especially how all eyes are different. I always notice a person's eyes. I wonder if it's like that for other people?
I guess most people wouldn't know that my right eye has a small brown freckle in amongst all the blue. I wish that I could look into a person's eyes without having to look away. I can do it if they don't know that I'm looking. But to look closely into someones eyes and to notice all the different coloured spots in them or the way their eyes look like chocolate in the sun or just how their eyes start as one colour on the outside and end in another on the inside. I think that would be beautiful.

I tag a lot of my posts with 'eyes,' and I'm not really sure why, but it just feels right.

What are your thoughts on tattoos? Have any?

Saturday, June 4, 2011


It would be easy to fall apart.
Piece by tiny piece.
And it’s hard to be put back together again once this happens.
Because, like with all puzzles, pieces get lost.
Maybe you’ll never be whole again.

Friday, June 3, 2011

100 Things.

I this my 100th post, so I thought I'd do something different.

10 things about me.
1.  I have curly hair that frustrates me to no end.
2. I mostly only wear odd socks.
3. I like writing more than anything else.
4. I collect notebooks.
5. I read books that make me feel.
6. I have a boyfriend.
7. I like taking photos of things.
8. I've been playing soccer for 7 years.
9. I like collecting quotes.
10. I'm always listening to music.

10 pictures that I found. (on weheartit)

10 Things (more) things.
1. I have been meaning to write a book of letters for my friends and family to read after I die. (Not that I plan on going anytime soon, it's just that you never know what might happen, and I can't leave them with nothing.)
2. I love writing but I don't always think that what I write is good enough. I am starting to learn to love the things I write now. Maybe because I'm learning to write them for me.
3. The other day I realised that sometimes I'm so shy I even breathe quietly.
4. I'm scared. I mean, I'm scared of what could be under my bed, or hiding in the shower, I'm scared of next year because it means making big decisions that I'm not ready enough to make, I'm scared of dying because I don't know what comes next, I'm scared of trying because I could fail, I'm scared of changing because it's different and diffiicult.
5. I always say goodbye when someone leaves - incase something happens.
6. I take everything to heart - everything. So watch what you say because when you say it you may think nothing of it, and you might not notice , but my heart is sinking and my brain will have stored it away to keep reminding me over and over and over again, and my cup will be half empty, so to me you will have meant whatever you said and when I;m upset later, or later that afternoon, or before I go to sleep I will remember and I will think and think and think about it until I don't want to anymore because in the end it will all be too much.
7. I'm not confident. I doubt everything. I always wonder what people mean when they say certain things and I have to ask otherwise it eats away at me. I always need encouragement to do things and to be reassured that whatever I'm doing is ok, that it won't hurt anyone, that 'no you're not a horrible person'. I will never stop doubting.
8. I collect lyrics like a gardener collects flowers. On post-it notes, scrawled in notebooks, and written underneath my desk, I hoard them, saving them up for - I don't even know yet myself. They're mostly sad ones, I like sad things you see.
9. I can't look you in the eye for more than a few seconds without looking away. I just can't. It's nothing against you, just please don't stare.
10. Some days I don't know where I fit in. I feel lost, and find myself wandering, trying to find my place. I don't know if you can have a best friend that you can't tell everything to.

1. "Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living." - Jonathan Safran Foer
2. "I desire the things, that will destroy me in the end." - Sylvia Plath
3. "I can't explain myself, I'm afraid sir," said Alice, "Because I'm not myself, you see."Lewis Carroll
4. "I want to believe in it all again — in art, fate, and love. And I want to believe that I’ve made the right choice and that I’m on the right path and there’s still time to fix the mistakes I’ve made. And I guess I want hope." - One Tree Hill
5. "You deserve good things, and I want to be one of them." - Impulse, Ellen Hopkins
6. "And even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but doesn't really." - Synecdoche, New York
7. “These are not books, lumps of lifeless paper, but minds alive on the shelves. From each of them goes out its own voice… and just as the touch of a button on our set will fill the room with music, so by taking down one of these volumes and opening it, one can call into range the voice of a man far distant in time and space, and hear him speaking to us, mind to mind, heart to heart.” - Gilbert Highet
8. "I think you could fall in love with anyone if you saw the parts of them that no one else gets to see. Like, if you followed them around invisibly for a day and you saw them crying in their bed at night or singing to themselves as they make a sandwich or just walking along the street. Even if they were really weird and had no friends at school. I think after seeing them at their most vulnerable you wouldn’t be able to help falling in love with them." - Tumblr
9. “And all the books you’ve read have been read by other people. And all the songs you’ve loved have been heard by other people. And that girl that’s pretty to you is pretty to other people. And you know that if you looked at these facts when you were happy, you would feel great because you are describing unity.” - The Perks of Being a Wallflower
10. “These were the lovely bones that had grown around my absence: the connections - sometimes tenuous, sometimes made at great cost, but often magnificent - that happened after I was gone. And I began to see things in a way that let me hold the world without me in it. The events that my death wrought were merely the bones of a body that would become whole at some unpredictable time in the future. The price of what I came to see as this miraculous body had been my life.” - Alice Sebold

10 Things to say.
1. BPlease don't say things like that. It makes me worry and I already worry too much.
2. P -  I hope you're getting better. In some crazy, fucked up way I think she's good for you. I hope it stays that way.
3. S - I know now. And I think I'm beginning to understand why you did it. You can talk to me. I'm your best friend and I want to be able to talk to you about anything and everything. But I can't yet.
4. K - I respect your decision a lot more than theirs. Thankyou for giving me hope.
5. R - I'm sorry I don't know what I'm doing a lot of the time. I'm learning though. But please don't say things like that without having a reason to.
6. J - It's your fault, don't you see? You fuck things up and then don't change. I don't think you'll ever learn from your mistakes. Eventually you'll only have yourself to blame.
7. G - I really do hope you're okay. I worry about you too. You have talent in what you do.
8. D - What will you have left after this? It's too soon to say these things. It's meant to be something special.
9. K - Sometimes I don't know what to say to you. I don't want to encourage you, but they're your decisions to make.
10. Me - You can't avoid it forever. You need to change, she's right about this. Don't stay stagnant because it's easier.

10 Songs I like
1. Everything - A Cursive Memory
2. Gotta Be Somebody's Blues - Jimmy Eat World
3. Lillian Lies - Youth Group
4. Skinny Love - Bon Iver
5. Landslide - Epicure
6. To Be Quite Honest - Cruiserweight
7. Act One, Scene One - The Fall of Troy
8. Anger Is The Brand New Thing - Kisschasy
9. We've Got a Big Mess On Our Hands - The Academy Is...
10. Cut Me, Mick - Yellowcard

10 pictures that I took.

 One of my favourite snacks :)
 Backyard reflections.
 Raindrops on Agapanthas.
 A Sleeping ladybeetle.
 A pretty spider.
 A willow at sunset.
 One of our new baby chickens when it was just over a month old :)
 A flock of birds near sunset.
 A pelican at sunrise.
A wave at one of my favourite places in the world.

10 words I like.
1. Transience
2. Effervescence
3. Ephemeral
4. Ethereal
5. Myriad
6. Murmur
7. Intertwined
8. Silhouette
9. Phosphorescence
10. Aqueous

10 books I love.
1. Paper Towns – john green
2. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close – johnathon safran foer
3. The Perks of being a Wallflower – Stephen chbosky
4. The history of love – Nicole krauss
5. The Messenger - Markus Zusak
6. The noah confessions – Barbara hall
7. The truth about forever – sarah desson
8. The lovely bones – alice sebold
9. The Book Theif - Markus Zusak
10. Before I Die – Jenny Downham

10 Lyrics.
1. Space and time distort the mind.
2. Hear me now, you will never be alone.
3. See all these people, they tell you who you are and who you should be, they've gone too far.
4. I'll leave pieces of paper, pieces of myself along the way.
5. Cuts on paper hearts they can be awful deep.
6. Sing the song they sing, the words you don't mean. When's the last time you looked inside?
7. I stopped trying to write the things I don't like and I started going back to where I'd been before.
8. And for one crowded hour, you were the only one in the room.
9. Is it real, does it give to much away? Is pouring out my heart till you come back a reason to stay, do you know?
10. We made plans to kiss the sun at night.

Sorry this was such a long post. I wanted to make it 100 things for 100 posts, and I'm quite happy that I managed to bring together 100 things. It took a surprising amount of effort and actually took me a week to make in all. Maybe now that you've read this you'll know a little more about me, and maybe you'll understand.