Please don't worry. Its going to become a habit, and you won't be able to stop it. Just relax.
Boys are going to trouble you for the rest of your life, so don't worry about them either. While you're young, you shouldn't have to worry about them, you'll find him someday, even if its not in the way you expect.
Just be yourself, don't worry about how you look, or if other people judge you, if they do, then they're not worth thinking about.
Friends come and go. While you may think that you'll be friends with them always, that's not always the case. They leave, as many people do, but in their place better people will come.
I wish I could tell you this, and make things easier for you. If only you knew what I knew now, then maybe you wouldn't have worried about the little things so much.
I am shy, I try too hard, I like to be different, I can't live without music, I have a fascination with clouds, I wish at 11.11 and 12.34, My wishes never really come true, I read, I try to find the words that I know are there, I just haven't found them yet, My writing is best at night, I like it when I know all the words to a song, I like it when we have a deep conversation, I fear other's judgement, I am unsure a lot of the time, and you make me more unsure than ever before,
Well, not always, it was just something that, in the last two years, I looked toward becoming.
17 seemed so sophisticated. Old, but not old enough for all the responsibilities that come with turning 18, responsible, but young enough for it to be okay to still depend on my parents.
It seemed like the age of freedom, not from school, but from...I actually don't know what from. It's different than I thought. More difficult. It seems to be all about school, and drama with friends. Hot days, and fighting at home. Homework and assessments, Work, and days off. Looking forward to the holidays because I don't have to put up with school for six whole weeks. Late nights and sleep-ins. Staying up until everyone else has already gone to bed and the house is silent, and trying not to make any noise while I brush my teeth, or get a snack at 2 in the morning. Waking up feeling more tired than before I slept, but when night-time comes, I'll do it all again. Having the time to read long books that I don't have to analyse, or find any deeper meaning in, unless I wish to.
But for now, I wait.
I'd have to agree with you there. But it will be ok :)
hesitant and unsure
about what you discovered.
You uncovered a secret
that I didn't share
But I don't mind
it gives comfort
to know that
and still didn't judge me
for my words.
This will all sound mismatched and out of order, because I don't know how to.
I didn't realise at first, I didn't realise at all until your post today.
But I realised even before I read your name at the bottom.
It made me feel better too, even though I didn't know you, having a friend who wouldn't judge me for what I wrote.
When I said that I didn't want you to read my blog, it was because its a personal thing of mine – you would understand, having a blog of your own. But its personal because the people that have read it on here won't read into it, and won't judge, like some of the people from school or in the group would. Because there are things on here that I wouldn't share in a conversation at school. It would be hard for one of my friends, our friends to suddenly read this blog, starting at the end and making their way to the start. They wouldn't understand it, would jump to conclusions, and ask questions. That is why I wouldn't like them to read this blog. But you and anyone else that has been reading this blog from blogger wouldn't have started from the finish, you've been with me during the time that I wrote these posts. You haven't judged, and haven't questioned me about my writing. So you see, it's different.
You said that you didn't and won't judge me for what I have written, and that you wouldn't breathe a word about it. I didn't, and I won't judge you for what you have written either, and I will not breathe a word of what you have written. It's personal, and how could I judge you for sharing something so personal?
Its happened before, a few of my friends, you would know them too, have stumbled upon my blog. But they didn't judge, and didn't comment on what I wrote, so it didn't bother me all that much for them to have read it.
Because you have allowed me to read what you have written, we are in the same boat.
So I don't mind that you have read my blog.
I just hope that you might feel the same about me reading yours.
I know things will be different, and we can pretend that we don't know each other and write like normal, not caring. Or we can unfollow each others blog, and not read any more.
But I don't want to do that. Your blog is one of my favourites, and I really enjoy reading your writing.
But I'm willing to keep writing, and writing as normal, because I trust that you won't judge me, or talk about my writing with anyone. And I will do the same if you choose to continue as well. You have my word that I won't spill your words, that I won't judge your writing. (Although if you choose to not continue writing, or sharing your words, I will miss them greatly. I've really enjoyed reading them, and I think you're a really talented writer :) )
Whatever you wish to be known as, whether it be Lilah or Grace, it doesn't change that.
Don't be sorry about the whole Tumblr thing. I stopped writing personal things on my tumblr because a lot of our friends started to follow it, and there were too many questions being asked. I don't believe you will judge me now, after all this, so it is ok :)
I was finally able to use my real name, because I felt as if I didn't need to hide anymore. I'm not sure what made me choose to do that, but I'm ok with it now.
You didn't screw this up for me, if anything, I'm glad you did find this.
I went back and read through your posts, and I think if I hadn't stopped writing for those few months last year, that I might have also realised that it was you.
Don't be sorry about finding this.
Thankyou for sticking with me throughout this. And for telling me the truth. :)
I want to run down the street screaming, I want to dye my hair rainbow colours and I want to be okay about it, I want to make daisy chains in the grass, I want to take beautiful photos, I want to write something that really matters, I want to be told that i'm beautiful and to believe it, I want my parents to be proud of me, I want my sister to look up to me, I want to care less about what other people think, I want to be less judgemental, I want to be different, I want people to want me to be their friend, I want to be an interesting person, I want want to feel less insecure, I want to be appreciated, I want to be accepted, I want to be on time, I want to be a good person, I want to be easygoing, I want to give good advice, I want to make people happy, I want to make people laugh.
Hermione: Don't you understand how she must be feeling? Well, obviously she's feeling sad about Cedric, and therefore confused about liking Harry, and guilty about kissing him. Conflicted because Umbridge is threatening to sack her mum from her job at the Ministry, and frightened about failing her O.W.L.s because she's so busy worrying about everything else.
Ron: One person couldn't feel all that, they'd explode!
Hermione: Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon.
These are probably just what I have felt over the last week or so.
But things are changing, getting better.
But i have to put it all on hold for two weeks, until he comes back.
He asked me to please be here when he comes back.
I said I would wait for him.
It's been so long since I was on here, and I'm hoping that I will have time to come back often.
I miss reading all \the beautiful writing here, and I miss getting the occasional comment from someone looking at this blog.
I miss being able to write what I want, and what I feel and not having to worry about what my friends think.
I don't seem to have that luxury on Tumblr.
Blogger has changed, but I like it. The people on here aren't superficial like on other sites.